So this was my first week on duty as a stay at home dad. Since becoming unemployed I have been really busy with other things such as settling my late father’s affairs and helping my mom, who just had her foot amputated. Still I had to be on dad duty and let me tell you there were a few times this week where I wanted to pull what’s left of my hair out.
I had to take K-Dub to the doctor in Monday to get her flu shot. She was a real trooper and I was the one who about lost it. This week was great cause I got to spend some much needed time with my little one. I taught her how to talk while holding her nose and how to dance. She already new how to dance but she need some new moves.
The hardest part of this week was taking care of both my mom and a baby at the same time. I found myself taking K-Dub to her Aunt Kate’s house so she could nap. It also gave me some time to work on some other stuff. Everything we went to my moms house I was constantly worried about what K-Dub was getting into and if my mom needed anything.
I became so stressed that my wife gave me a Saturday off and I finally got to go on a much needed three mile run and also enjoy a quite time at the local Starbucks. It was what I needed after a crazy week. After a much needed rest time this weekend I am ready to see what week two brings. Hoping this week to get more exercise time in and also finish more of my dads stuff.
It has been over a month since my last post. Trying to come up with the words to explain what has been going on is a understament. The only way I can describe the past month is that although I am still here, I am incredibly broken. To fully understand this I must start from the beginning…
It was coming the point where excitement was overflowing in our house. We were ready to announce to all of family and friends on the internet that we would be welcoming our second child in May. We were only three days away from being in the second stage of our pregnancy. My wife woke up in the morning getting ready to head to her new job that she absolutely loved. We had a hard time the past few months when she unexpectedly lost her job at Union Breast Surgery. We knew that a new baby was exactly the kind of good news we needed at this point. She said she thought she had a UTI and that if it got worse she would go to the doctor. After going through the morning routine and dropping K-Dub off at her Aunt Kate’s house, I went to work as usual.
I did not hear anything from my wife for some time so after lunch I decided to text her. She said that the pain was getting worse and she was on her way to see the doctor and she would call me if she needed me. So a couple of hours later I had a sense of worry and called my wife. When she answered the phone I knew that something was not right. She struggled to get the words out and all I heard was that my baby stop developing after nine weeks and my wife was actually in labor to deliver our dead child. She told me that she was going to have to go to the hospital and have the baby surgically removed. So I told my boss that I needed to go and headed to the hospital to meet her.
Once I arrived at the hospital I found my wife in her car. I jumped in the passenger seat and held her hand as she cried and handled the pain. She apologized to me for losing another baby and I looked at her and said that it was not her fault and that theres always a bigger plan in motion. These were the words that I found to be saying a lot in the next few weeks and soon you will know why. After we cried in the car and called our parents to let them know what was going on, we headed in the hospital. We got a wheelchair and I pushed my wife to the front desk. I remember the front desk lady not knowing where we needed to go. We went to three departments before we found that we needed to be in the surgical area. My wife at this point had lost a lot of blood. At least it looked like a lot of blood to me. Her scrub pants were completely soaked and she even passed out twice before finding the right place we needed to be.
Once they got her back and stable , I just remember a lot of people coming by and wiping the blood off the table and me holding my wife’s hand tighter and tighter. Then a lady came in with a paper on a clipboard and asked me to sign to give them permission to perform the procedure on my wife. I sat there and stared at this form. This was me signing for them to take my child. It was a moment that was so real and so emotional that I will never forget it. Soon my wife had to go for her procedure and I had to leave. I kissed her on her forehead and said that there was a bigger plan.
I sat in the waiting room alone. Thinking about what had just happened. I was answering text messages and phone calls from parents and close friends. I was trying to keep it together but it was hard. It was hard to be the strong man who my wife needed when all I wanted to was someone to be strong for me. After my wife’s sister, Kate came finally to sit with me and cry with me, we were allowed to come back and see my wife. She told me that she felt a lot better and that she was still in some pain but would make it.
When we got home and settled down I realized that the only person I have not called was my dad. He was so happy when I told him we were having another baby. To break his heart was something that I could not do yet. So I went on to bed.
The next day I went to work and I was just numb. I told some close coworkers about what had happened and they both gave me words of encouragement and cried with me. Around lunch time my brother called me and told me that he had not been able to get in touch with our dad for a few days and wanted to know if I heard anything from him. The last time I saw my dad was Monday. This was a Saturday, so I began to get worried. I ended up leaving work and told my brother to meet me at Dad’s house. When I finally got to the exit that lead to his house, my brother called me and told me that his mailbox was full, there were packages on the doorstep, his truck was in the driveway, but the door was locked and he was not answering. I knew at that point what I was about to walk into.
I told my brother that I had a key and to just wait on me. When I arrived at the house, my key was not working so I ended up telling my brother to kick the door in. After two kicks we were in. We both yelled for Dad to answer but there was nothing. When we arrived in the back bedroom we found him. He had died in his sleep sometime between Monday night and Saturday afternoon. My heart dropped and I feel to the ground. My brother being the law enforcement man he is, went in to work mode and called it in.
The next few hours were very hard for me to recall. I remember feeling like I could not breathe. It was almost like I was hit in the stomach. I recall telling my wife as best as I could over the phone and then my wife. I was beyond devastated. After a couple of hours waiting on a search warrant and the for the funeral home to come and remove the body, I still could not bring myself to process what was going on. I just lost my dad and my child in less than a week. I remember asking myself why me? My wife just looked at me and said that there was a bigger plan.
The next few days were rough. We had to tell the family, his family, and friends what had happened. Our church actually prayed over us and the amount of text messages and phone calls were unreal. The most hardest part was making the arrangements for the funeral. To finally say goodbye to a parent is so tough. The one thing I will never forget was the funeral home asking me to sign the form giving them permission to cremate my dad. I lost it just like I did when I signed the form at the hospital. It was hard but I made through.
The funeral was nice. A lot of family and friends came to say goodbye to my dad. He would have been so proud of how my brother and I arranged everything. From the flowers to the service, we handled it. For him.
The next few days after the funeral, I found myself having to clean out his house of his belongings. He had a lot of books and movies. So many that we ended up donated them to the local libraries around our area. I had to find places to put things and I am still trying to settle all of his affairs.
My job gave me two weeks bereavement to sort out everything but on Thursday this week told me that they had to let me go. So in three weeks I have lost my child, my dad, and now my job. The news in a strange way made me feel relived. I had not been happy there for a a while but after hearing this news, the only thing I could tell you was that I was already numb and I was not ready to process this. I finally told my wife and she was more in a panic than I was.
In spite of everything, I am in good spirits. Why you ask? Because there is a bigger plan out there for me. Now I am really a stay at home dad which is something I always wanted to try to people always told me I would be great at it. Also, I can finish settling my dad’s affairs. Now I can spend some much-needed time with my mom, who just had her leg amputated. Now I log more miles in with running since I have not run in almost a month. Its going to be an adjustment and there are times where I have trouble getting out of bed. I have to keep telling myself that there is a bigger plan out there for me. Now I am more excited to see what exactly it is and where it will take me. I will miss my dad and my child but I am reminded everyday that they are with me. I know its weird but I just feel at peace with everything. It’s like they never left. I also know that will be with as I embark on a bigger plan.
So it’s been a while since I have blogged about my kid. I don’t know why but she has grown up so fast in last few months. She has her own personality and she has moods. Not all of them are good. She can be both good and bad and she is really strong.
K-Dub is mean. I know people should not say that about their kid but for my daughter it is true. I ask her if she loves Daddy and she tells me no every time. EVERYTIME! It’s so frustrating. She decides when she gives kisses and fights tooth and nail about eating dinner. That’s right! Dinner at our house is like living in the movie The Hunger Games everyday. EVERYDAY! It usually results in my wife crying. Just this morning she called me and she was upset. She had to drop K-Dub off at her dads so she could run some errands and K-Dub would not even tell her bye or give her a kiss.
Besides her crazy mood swings and anger issues( which she gets from her mother), she is in a weird way very strong. She can mover her little plastic table across the room carry six grocery bags at one time. They are empty but you get my drift. She can even throw her blocks and book clear across the room. Her new favorite thing to do is move the kitchen chairs around. So when we get ready for dinner it’s a game of musical chairs with no music and me looking for the chairs. I guess it’s not musical chairs at all.
So between my kids anger issues and her super baby strength, she is turning into quite the little hulk. I just hope she does not turn green. Some people call it the terrible twos but this dad calls it a small preview of what it’s going to be like when she becomes a teenager. I better buy a helmet cause those blocks really hurt.
Sorry it’s been so long since my last entry. Things have been so crazy. BrittWhitFun finally got a new job and will be starting on October 13th! Yay! That is wonderful news for us.
For the past few weeks I have been making Sunday my long run day. Every week I add about 2 to 3 miles on. I had major plans to run the Cooper River Bridge 10k in March but now I am thinking about doing something bigger.
This Sunday I ran a whole half marathon. No it was not a race as much as it was proving to myself that I could do it. It was not for time but for fun. When is the last time you ran for fun?
The first 10 miles were easy but when I hit mile 11 my body started to shut down but I never slowed down. I finished those last 13.1 miles and became a half marathon runner. My total time was 2 hours 31 minutes and 35 seconds which is not bad but some room for improvement. The only bad thing about the run was that my stupid self did not eat anything and I felt like I was about to pass out and called my wife to come get me. But I finished!
As stated above, I want to go bigger which is why I am going to head back to Oak Island, NC in April and run the lighthouse half marathon! So now I start training. Wish me luck cause I will need it.
Today I spent the greater portion of my morning doing what relaxes me…running.
I have been spending the last three Sundays trying to do long runs. I wanted to really push myself and see how much could my body take.
I still have not made my mind up if I want to run a 10k or just skip it altogether and go for the half marathon. I know I can do it but I just want to be able to say I have completed everything.
The first run I ran 7.62 miles. The second I ran 8 miles. Today I pushed myself and ran 10 miles.
The first couple of miles were easy. It was when I got to mile 7 that I started to feel it in my legs and hips. By the time I reached 10 I was done but still had to walk home. It was a big accomplishment and the longest run I have do to date. Next Sunday I am going for the whole 13.
Wish me luck!
So this week has been a little insane at our house. I have been trying to train for my races next year. I still have not decided if I want to run a 10k or just go straight to the half marathon. Still have no clue. Anyways, BrittWhitFun went on a job interview Monday! Yay! The interview actual went really well. So well that they asked her to come back for some job shadowing. That’s a good sign right?
Other than that great news, we decided to redo the playroom upstairs for K-Dub. So this weekend I am going to be taking the desk out and moving it to the dining room along with the love seat. Then I will move on to painting and buying some more kid friendly furniture to house there.
Speaking of K-Dub, she has been going through what I call the early terrible twos or pre-terrible twos. She has been super whinny and clinging lately. Somehow she learned how to throw herself of the floor and cry until she gets her way. It’s hard being a parent and not giving in to her. I am a firm believer in tough love and to let them cry until they get over it. Pray that my wife and I don’t either end up on the 10 pm news or are found in the corner of the living room crying ourselves to sleep.
So my wife and daughter decided to go on a girls trip and leave me at the house alone for a couple of days. When she told me she was going I was
excited sad. It was the first time we slept apart for a long period time since we were dating.
I got off work and headed home to feed Tan Man and then I headed to the gym. The best thing about this was I got to workout as long as I wanted to. So I ended up working out for about two hours. I then got some good and headed home. Did you think I was actually going to cook.
When I got home and showered I ate my food while watching Extreme Weight Loss, which is the best show ever, and are my dinner. I was thinking to myself that this was awesome.
I went to bed around 11 which is something I never do. My wife and I are usually in bed by 9. I laid in bed and looked at the ceiling. Then it hit me. I was alone. This is what it feels like to be single. I have forgotten what it was like and I hated it. I started to miss my wife and child really bad so I did what any dad would do. I got my phone and started looking at pictures of us. After about 20 minutes I finally fell asleep. During the night I found myself waking up and reaching on my wife’s side of the bed and then being reminded that she was not there. I would became sad again.
This morning I made my breakfast and packed my lunch and headed out the door and just repeated to myself that they will be home on Friday. I think tonight I will need a FaceTime session with them as soon as I get home.
What I learned: Guys night in is not what it cracks up to be when you are a family man.